Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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