Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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