You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
