we have officially lost it.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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