I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
