i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
