You just made me feel so damn special
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
