Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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