"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
soo... how was my night?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
