I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
His nipple licking is glorious
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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