i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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