It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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