how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
