mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
