I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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