he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
