I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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