i may or may not be watching the land before time
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
