I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
