he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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