i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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