If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
