I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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