my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
