So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
