Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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