for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
