well I can't set my house on fire every night
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
