What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
