I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
