three words: i give head
three words: not that well
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
