She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
