I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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