I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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