Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
