He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I think I died a long time ago.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
