I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize