none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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