Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
