Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
