Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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