I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
