All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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