i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
