I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
