do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
