The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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