Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
where are my eyebrows?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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