Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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