she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
