Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Gay?
German.
Pity.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
