Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
