I cannot find my penis.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
