I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
50% drunk capacity currently
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
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And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life