The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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