Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
