I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
