After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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