i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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