i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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