can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
