I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
