Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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