Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
